It’s been a long time since I have blogged about anything other than books. One of my favourite pass times.

Truth is, I have been battling some mental health issues and my PMDD & Perimenopause have been weighing me down to size. 

Every time I think I have made some progress, I find myself sinking down again.

I can say that a number of friends have been incredible in keeping me somewhat focused.

My father passed away in January, after a battle with Dementia, it was the best for him, but as anyone who has suffered a significant loss, it hits hard and the way forward seems impossible. Only, to honour the loss of a life, we need to embrace our own.

This PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) however is as unpredictable as it is predictable.

Every two weeks like clockwork, my life descends into depression, anger, hunger, resentment, suicidal ideation (that was hard to write, but not uncommon in women with PMDD), despair, sadness, isolation, extreme tiredness, aching body, a low point where nothing makes sense and life seems too hard to even want to manage. Housework gets left, only the bare minimum gets done, and once the bleeding starts, the haze lifts and life becomes worthwhile again.

The hardest thing about coming out of a haze is rebuilding the damage that was caused, over time I have learned that my drama is bigger if I am triggered. Even bigger if my HRT patch hasn’t been changed on time. People can literally notice the change as soon as the patch stops doing its job.

I have lived with PMDD since I was 13, I have been around PMDD all of my life, although, back in the 70s, 80s and 90s it was probably misdiagnosed as some other condition, such as bipolar, however it is possible to have both.

I am blessed that my local GP practise has a few great GP’s who know about PMDD and are very supportive and keen to help at much as they can.

There is no one path to recovery, I don’t feel there are that many who truly rid themselves of their brain’s inability to process the fluctuation in hormone levels.

Once a month I will sit with my friend Becky, (who has been by my side as a shining light for almost 19 ½ years) and I will look at the damage and destruction caused. Thanks to medication, vitamins, awareness and my spirituality I am much better than I was, but much better isn’t that great either. Sometimes, I wonder how my l might have reacted had I not been medicated. (Everyone responds differently to meds and treatments, there is no one size fits all.)

The worst is when you try not to react or respond and you lose your mind to the hormones, start behaving in unacceptable ways that once the haze is over, deep regret arises. Sorry, seems a hollow word, and can’t truly define the real emotions.

I do know how to apologise if I have gone way over the line. Sometimes though, like with certain former family members the reaction is long overdue and a desperately freeing release.

Looking back, I don’t know how many situations, relationships, and friends I have cost myself, or maybe more, my hormones have cost me.

I can’t hide this condition and I don’t want to. What I do know is, I need a job working from home, currently, I am a carer for my son who has several moderate conditions that need that extra help.

Now, here I am, writing my blog post. My very honest blog post.

I believe every occurrence is meant, so I can’t live in regret, I can’t torment myself over and over and waste precious lifetime reliving something I cannot change.

My mindfulness is key, my spirituality is fundamental, my I am worth it.

I personally believe there is a place for pharmaceuticals and holistic therapy, whatever makes the day easier and for me, even with those in place, you won’t find me leaving the house, you won’t find me not losing my shit and my mind all in one go.

There are so many people living with this condition, so many who are in prison for their behaviour and misdiagnosis.

I guess, my start is here. I have already created a Facebook support group for people and families living with PMDD. It’s 35.300 people strong at present, I also have a spiritual group that is 13.000 strong.

If you want to reach out to me, please do so on Instagram @inspiredbypmdd , there you will find my book blogs, lives and PMDD inspired posts.

You can also check back here to see new blog posts.

Much Love, Fiona