I always feel like if anyone would be blamed for something it would be me.
10 people could say and do the same thing as me and I would be the only one to get called out and accused of being rude or aggressive or whatever. Its people like me who are the problem. And yet, those who are the problem get to push their behaviour back on to me.
Having PMDD, I am very aware of cause and effect, irrational speak and behaviour and a level of blind rage can impact me heavily. This is why how I speak, how I react and how I feel is under constant observation by me. If I misbehave, speak harshly, aggressively or angrily, I am the first to come back and apologise.
I don’t feel like I need to watch someone back me into a corner and blame me for their bad behaviour, bad wording and bad attitude.
Its not fun being invisible, you only see the tint in my skin, but you don’t see me, you don’t see how your behaviour and words affect me.
Rise above, rise above. I don’t want to rise above it anymore. You can behave a certain way and I cannot respond. You can torment me and be passive aggressive and I have to turn the other cheek.
I can serve in the same army, I can ride the same bus, fly the same plane but I can’t be part of your team. It doesn’t matter where I have been, what I have seen or how kind I have been, you don’t see past the tint in my skin. Call me by my name, it’s Fiona. You don’t hear it, all you see is the tint in my skin.
There is no end to this, I can’t fight what you don’t see in yourself. If I told you you were the problem you would never see the issue you have with me. Some may call it denial, some may call it a lie. The truth is you don’t see me. Your subconscious fights the tint in my skin. Because it’s so far below the surface, so deeply buried that on the surface you would never see the issue you have with me. There is nothing I can say or do to make it go away.
We can’t bridge a subconscious gap. We can’t mend that broken fence. It’s not with the eyes you see the tint in my skin, it’s your subconscious mind that stands between us and the tint in my skin.