In a wind that blows

It’s been a while, it’s been pain, loss and confusion, losing myself under a swirl of darkness and light.

I miss you! I miss me! I see my breath, I feel lost.

It’s all a bit much, everyone is leaving for the other side. I am swimming against my tides every day. My head hurts, my thoughts aren’t making sense.

I don’t enjoy my days, I need change. My health is telling me, screaming at me that my mind and heart are unhappy.

How did I get here? It wasn’t meant to be like this.

All the opportunities, new friends, fake friends and real friends.

Always having to be nice because I am representing something, someone. I want to be me. I have premenstrual dysphoric disorder, I have to be me. I can’t fight to stay grounded and alive and fake my way through something that was meant to be fun.

It stopped being fun, how does a team become so disjointed, how does your counterpart become so oblivious to how they are behaving and drowning you out in a joint venture. I feel horrible, it’s like walking on egg shells, how do you talk to someone who gets upset and throws their dummy out of the corner just because you asked to be heard. In the end, that’s too much, I can’t give my life and time to something that has become ugly.

We aren’t a team, they think we are. Do they know you follow me everywhere, you’re in my business, I can’t do much online where you don’t creep in. It’s weird. It’s a little Single White Female, only I am not white. We’re not twins, we’re barely friends.

I’ve helped and supported you, what you do now is because I helped and supported you, I encouraged you. I am not the bad guy in this story. We are not competition.

My life and interests don’t compare to yours. I didn’t lose anything that day, I gained freedom, happiness and my own direction.  

Stop telling tales and lies.

I felt backed into a corner in other ways, I don’t like a lot of energy, I try and relax into spaces that suit me, that are my frequency and tribe.

I am not the type to read factual inaccuracies on Facebook and keep quiet, I mean fake news right? I am going to point out that something is wrong. That’s me. If you don’t want someone to pull up fake news, don’t post it on social media. Block me, dislike me, but you’re still wrong.

Remember that day, I decided to leave a toxic situation, only to find the others leaving too, now what? I wasn’t happy, I felt so isolated, I am not a bully, I am not a horrid human. You can be a bully and drown people out and make them feel excluded without being blatant.

Gaslighting is a disgusting thing, it’s happened to me 3 times this year. To behave in disparaging ways with a smile on your faces.

I am not perfect by any stretch and I can be an absolute prick, but I know that about myself, I am honest with it. I can also say sorry if I need to, but I am not sorry. I can’t be.

Do you know how much you take from a person when you gaslight them? It takes a lot of effort to reframe after that.

Did I tell people I don’t like you? Yes, less people than you can count on one hand, in a polite way. I don’t have to like you, you stepped on me, used my weakness against me.

Please, leave me alone, don’t send people to check what I am saying or doing. Because my life isn’t about you, you’ve taken nothing from me, I have given you plenty, so much more than you’ve ever given me, so be thankful and enjoy what you have. I wish you all the best at a significant distance. In a wind that blows, blow away.

Love, F xoxo